I Got You, Babe
I SAW AN ITEM FLY BY MY EYES on Facebook a couple of days ago that made me say, “Wha???
A truck overturned near Xenia, Ohio (Which is near Dayton, for the geographically noncognoscenti.)
The cargo on this extremely horizontal truck was 2,200 live piglets. Tragically, as in many vehicular accidents, there were casualties. Approximately 200 – 400 piglets are no longer in the “living” category. For the rest of them it was “Run for your lives, little piggies.”
The truck driver was uninjured after somehow losing control behind the wheel, but “his female passenger” (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) was treated for non life-threatening injuries.
There has been a rash of truck accidents of late involving unusual cargoes of various sorts. About a week ago another semi went horizontal unleashing several million P.O.’d bees. Rescue crews really loved that one.
Also within the last week a truck unleashed 40,000 pounds of bacon on another highway. All we need now is a Peterbilt filled with eggs to go belly up and we are well on our way to a good breakfast – which is the most important meal of the day. If a conveniently placed load of bread was close enough we could add toast to the menu – but I’m asking for too much.
I usually have a three course breakfast every morning: Coffee, A newspaper, and my Antigravity meds.
Back to the 2000 piglets.
You know that they are never going to be able to capture all of the little porkers. Some will end up as lunch for coyotes, bears, or journalists before they can be rescued.
A precious few will end up in people’s backyards where some 8 year old will see it and beg their parents to let them keep the little cutie as a pet.
Fast forward a couple of years and Mums and Daddums will be trying to convince their now 10 year old that the pig has to go. It just isn’t working out any longer, keeping the 600 pound hog in the Family Room. He has broken the sofa and is wondering where all the female hogs are. In his world it’s “Bacon-Makin’ Time.”
A few months ago I wrote about another accident that spilled 40,000 pounds of ramen noodles all over a road in Virginia, if I correctly recall it. The noodle packs just lay there, spread out on the highway. Easy pickings for any college student with the initiative and the eye/hand coordination to bend over and pluck them up.
Today, however, we have 2000 living, terrified, and non-kosher piglets running as fast as their little unpickled feet can carry them. It is going to take professionals to round them up. The authorities need to bring in some of those strange Texan pig hunters for this job. Helicopters and ATVs filled with Reality TV stars, armed to the teeth with shotguns, liquor and Secret Recipe BBQ sauce.
Hell, bring Gordon Ramsay along too. Somebody has to do the screaming or it wouldn’t be real enough. Quack. Quack. Quack.
Any time now, one of those prepubescent pigs will be cornered somewhere. The pig hunter will draw down on him and say, “That won’t do, Babe.”
We’re gonna need more Cole Slaw.