The Anti-Bucket List
I WAS SITTING UNDER THE BIG UMBRELLA at St. Arbucks. The sun was shining, the sky was blue and I was thinking of all the things I could be doing. Then I thought, “Screw that.”
I have reached an age, both chronological and state of mind, when I have a list of things I just refuse to do any longer. It is a sort of my “Anti-Bucket List.”
Put a lid on it.
Some of the things that I have scratched from my list are there because of common sense, such as – Spending Saturday night in such a way that I don’t remember Sunday at all.
Other things are on my Anti-Bucket List because I just don’t want to do them anymore. For example: I no longer shovel snow, change flat tires, mow grass, run for a bus, or wash our cars. For the first three – that is why God invented teenagers and the Auto Club. About that bus thing – I’m retired now. I don’t run after anything. Washing the cars? The local Weather-Bunny on Channel Two says it is gonna rain – “God’s Car Wash!”
Some things made my list because I now realize that ever doing them in the first place was just plain stupid. Such as:
Eating sushi purchased at a gas station.
Dating women who assured me that their police record was “just a mix-up.”
Doing a show that required walking down a long uneven staircase without wearing my glasses. (Man of La Mancha) I still have scars from that show.
Taking Sky Diving Lessons. (I wised up at the last minute and chickened out.)
In deference to my continuing battle with high blood pressure (there’s a surprise, no?) I have altered my behavior choices.
For example: I simply refuse to argue with anyone about Politics, Religion, Sex or Money. Most people say they want to “discuss” one of the above topics, but they really want to argue with someone. I just avoid falling into that tiger trap by telling them up front that I won’t argue with them, I’m not interested in their opinions and I’m not available to be their teacher.
If that doesn’t stop them I tell them that I’m a far superior debater than they are, I’m smarter, better educated and I will end up making them feel angry and stupid at the same time. Delivered with direct eye contact and a smirk on my face that usually ends the entire scene. Bring down the curtain, have a nice evening and drive home safely.
Of course I have added some new things to fill in the blank spaces.
I now lie to anyone asking me to take part in a poll and I tell them I’m lying.
I tell political candidates what I really think.
I do this blog six days a week. I enjoy doing it. I hope you get a kick out of it. It keeps me off the streets at night and prevents my brain from turning into the intellectual equivalent of dollar store foodstuffs.
Oh, yeah – I almost forgot. I don’t climb ladders anymore either.