A Love That Dare Not Speak – Period
ONE OF THE MAJOR BENEFITS of being married is that you don’t have to be dating. That particular nightmare is over and done with.
We’ve all been through the perils of dating: Dating someone who turned out to be seriously crazy; Dating someone whose idea of a good time involved pain, minor wounds and a tetanus shot (maybe that was just me.); Dating someone who was either too young or too old for you. You should never date someone who doesn’t know any of the same songs you do.
And finally: You should never date outside of your own species. I’m as open minded as the next guy, but you have to draw the line somewhere.
Let me explain.
About five years ago BR (Before Retirement) I was working in the Social Services Industry as an outpatient case manager. I worked primarily with teenage boys who had a wide range of “issues,” shall we say?
Just outside of Terre Haute (That’s French for “Lock your car doors at night) there is a small college that for some reason has a side business of breeding Alpacas. (I don’t understand it either.)
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary: ALPACA: 1. a domesticated mammal (Vicugna pacos syn. Lama pacos) especially of Peru that is probably descended from the vicuña. 2. wool of the alpaca. 3. a thin cloth made of or containing this wool. 3. a rayon or cotton imitation of this cloth.
That is a picture of an Alpaca up there ^.
One young man I was working with at that time was extremely shy and one of my goals was to get him to relax around people and become more comfortable out in public. To say that I didn’t know what I was doing would be an understatement. Since the kid liked animals I thought that going out to visit the Alpacas might be a good idea.
I contacted the college, spoke with the head Alpaca Wrangler, and set up a time for a tour of the whole operation.
I can tell that you are wondering what all of this has to do with dating. Bear with me.
The youngster and I were given the five dollar tour. We walked through the Alpaca pen, saw the newborns and petted the beasts. Little did I know that in the eyes of Alpacas I am a mixture of George Clooney, Cary Grant and Elvis.
One of the female Alpacas began to follow me around. It would come up behind me and nuzzle my ear. The Alpaca Wrangler said that she had never seen this behavior before – involving a human, only other Alpacas.
This animal was coming on to me! This Alpaca licked my neck.
I’m pretty easy going, but it was creeping me out. The kid thought it was the funniest thing he had ever seen. The Alpaca Wrangler was beginning to feel like yelling, “Get a stall, you two!”
After about a half hour of this I pulled the plug on the whole thing. Like all good tours this one ended in the gift shop where the Wrangler tried to get me to buy various Alpaca related tchotchkes. I declined. I was taking home a truly disturbing memory. I didn’t need a scarf.
The kid, who had been shy with humans but good with animals, now had a whole new set of phobias to deal with. I can just imagine what he told his mother when he got home.
So, I reiterate: AVOID INTERSPECIES DATING.
There is no future in it, and how would you explain it to your friends and family, especially at Thanksgiving?
Down the Hall on Your Left 