Strange Things Are Happening
SOME DAYS I JUST WONDER what in the heck is going on. If you had read an earlier posting, from about a month ago, you would have seen my rant about the mysterious apple that appeared in our driveway. One minute it was not there and a minute later it was. Spooky, no?
Well, the apple is long gone, spirited away by the neighbor’s snow blower, but something else has popped into its place.
A few minutes ago I came out of the house, heading to the car, and what do I see in the grass – a golf ball. It wasn’t there ninety minutes ago when I came home from St. Arbucks.
(Cue the eerie music)
I’m beginning to wonder if our yard is the portal to an alternate universe, or maybe just a shortcut used by a vegan athlete. Both possibilities have merit.
Just as we had no apple trees to explain the presence of that apple, we have no sporting goods to explain the golf ball. I don’t play golf. My wife, Dawn – The Rev, doesn’t play golf and yet there it is.
If things are going to start miraculously appearing in our yard why can’t they be things we can use? I would prefer cash, precious metals, or prepaid airline tickets to Ireland. Golf balls we don’t need.
I have played golf a few times in my life. I’m no good at it. Golfers always say that golf is such “a social game.” Well, the way I played it I was always off by myself somewhere – hacking through the undergrowth and shooing away squirrels. “Social game” my butt. When golfers ask me what my handicap is I tell them, “Complete lack of interest and ability.”
As far as I’m concerned golf ranks right up there with fishing as a wonderful way to waste both my time and my money. And they both involve water – another recreational opportunity I make efforts to avoid. If the body of water is too large to have a hot water tap and drain on one end – it is not going to have my living body in it voluntarily.
We are going to be out in Utah this June and one of our co-travelers inquired if I would be interested in going river rafting.
“I’m sorry, but I’ve penciled in that time for some tattoo removal sessions.” (I’ll get some tattoos in May if I’m pressed on this issue.)
Now, I can understand how some people might enjoy going down a river on a raft, I really can, but taking into consideration my aquatic self-preservation skills – it ain’t gonna happen.
When pressed for a further explanation on this I tell people that I swim like a piano: I go straight to the bottom, making strange noises all the way down.
I guess I’ve wandered off on a leaf covered tangent again. Sorry- it happens.
Back to the latest trans-dimensional item in our Lost and Found – the golf ball. I picked it up. It seems to have on it that logo that you see on Nike products – a “Swoosh” or whatever it is. Other than that – nothing.
I’ve set the ball on the table outside our back door. I didn’t really know what else to do with it. I don’t have any golf tees – or clubs – or interest. If the vegan athlete who dropped it passes through this part of the Dimension on the way home, it is there for the reclaiming.
Please, try to be more careful in the future or, failing that, leave behind something negotiable.