I WENT TO SEE MY DOCTOR the other day. This particular doctor is a Nutritionist. He has a bunch of letters after his name, but I don’t recall the letters “M” and “D” being among them. But he’s a nice guy.
One of my other doctors sent me to see this doctor last autumn. He was all over my case about how I needed to lose weight. I couldn’t very well argue with him about that. I’ve been hearing that same complaint since I was six years old. That was during the Korean War. (For those of you with public school educations – look it up in a book called an Encyclopedia.)
The last time I saw Dr. Nutritionist he gave me a three page printout with the title, “The Seven Minute Workout.” He was pleased that I had managed to lose about 35 pounds, but not pleased that I done that without doing any exercises. He was not amused when he asked me what I did for exercise and I relied, “I stumble.”
He said that he wanted me to look over the printout and see what exercises I could do. Let me tell you right now – I ain’t Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarz…Shwartze…the former Governor of California, or some guy who spends his day working out and lifting weights in the prison yard.
Jumping Jacks: That requires more synchronization of body parts than I can manage.
Wall Sits: The last time I did one of those I was 22 years old and very drunk.
Push-Ups: I’ve seen Marines do that using one arm. I’m not a Marine.
Ab Crunch: No relation to Nestles Crunch.
Step-up: Usually preceded by some nitwit at the Motor Vehicle Bureau shouting, “Next!”
Squat: First thing every morning after I turn on the “Today Show.”
Triceps Dip On Chair: See “Wall Sits.”
Plank: What the f***k? If you see me doing that call 911.
High Knees: With my legs, anything above six or seven inches constitutes “high.”
Lunges: Sounds like an Interpretive Dance move. It refers to my “front and back knees.” My knees are next to each other. I want to keep them that way.
Push-Ups and Rotation: If I am doing a push-up and I rotate – see advice for “Plank.”
Side Plank: Here we go with that Plank business again! I’m sorry, but all my planks are warped.
I know he was disappointed, but I did tell him that once the weather improves I intend to get out there and do some walking. I will. I promise. They are opening a new Meijer Super Store nearby and it will take a heap of walking to get around that place. That counts, doesn’t it?
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