It Didn’t Hurt At All
FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS I’ve been putting off getting a haircut. It had gotten to the point that, no matter what I did, my hair was looking like I had stuck my toe into a wall socket or I had inadvertently seen Lady Gaga up close and personal – and mistaken her for Tony Bennett. I was starting to look like an exploding Death Star. I did not like that.
I have worn my hair long. In my younger years it was down to my shoulders at times, but then that was the 60s and anyone with short hair was either a “narc” or a singer with “Up with People.” For those of you under fifty I suggest you Google both of those things.
After “just not getting around to it” I vowed to myself that today was the day. I also knew that today was “Geezer Day” at Fantastic Sam’s. Haircuts were half price – sort of the barbering equivalent of the “Early Bird Special” in those restaurants that cater to those people for whom the Midnight Snack comes at 7:30 PM during Wheel of Fortune.
Hey, I’m older than most people and I will continue to be so until I take up Daisy Pushing.
So – Today was haircut day. I stopped off for early services at St. Arbucks, getting my usual (plus refill) then headed off to do the deed.
I like to hit Fantastic Sam’s early in the day, before the staff either gets exhausted, bored, or drunk and decides that my hair could use some creative cutting. Short I want – creative I don’t.
When I arrived at about 9:20 AM the gal who greeted me had a cup of coffee in her hand – a good sign. She led me to a chair and put down her coffee – another good sign.
This particular young lady had never cut my hair before, so I had to explain a few ground rules to her.
You see… I have this bump on my head, back behind my left ear. It is about the size of your regulation marshmallow, but not squishy. I have had this bump all my life. I have to warn the person cutting my hair about it because if I don’t they might freak out and nobody wants a person holding scissors to go bat poop crazy. It has happened.
I explain that the bump is not a tumor (Rent “Kindergarten Cop”), it does not hurt, and it will not bleed unless you stab it. I used to tell people that the bump was my spare brain, there just in case my main one has a blowout. Now, if anyone asks, I tell them that it is where I keep my car keys.
My brother also had a bump like that. Unfortunately, his bump was smack in the middle of his forehead. He looked like a cute little unicorn. His bump was surgically removed. My doctors have told me to leave my bump alone – that removing it was riskier than just ignoring it. Ignore it is what I do, except at haircut time.
After instructions and the safety demonstration (if the cabin loses air pressure, etc.) she got to work, and a fine job she did! After about 20 minutes my head felt ten pounds lighter and less inflated that a New England Patriot football. My bump was neatly covered and not hemorrhaging.
Now I’m waiting for my new passport to arrive bearing the picture of me with more hair than an adolescent Yeti. I’ll be stuck with that for ten years.
I figure that I am now good until early June, just in time to get shorn again before our trip to Salt Lake City for the annual church meeting. Last year’s meeting was in Omaha and we shared the scene with both the College World Series and a Middleweight Championship Prize Fight. Maybe this year we can mix it up with something like Drag Racing on the Salt Flats or a 7000 bride Mormon wedding.
I’m just hoping.