Geezerhood
MY WIFE HAS ADVISED ME that I have successfully achieved “Geezerhood.”
When I asked her to define her terms she handed me a mirror. I think that she might be right.
Now that I am in the throes of “Geezerhood” I realize that I need to take better care of myself. I know that because my wife tells me so. My doctor tells me that too. My wife is prettier and is not a 60 year-old man from India who can’t focus on anything for longer than two minutes. One time he started to give me his opinion of American politics. I stopped him cold after 30 seconds by holding up a shiny object. My doctor is one of the “Flying Patel Brothers” as I call them. It seems that every other doctor in Terre Haute is named Patel.
This particular Dr. Patel is really a great doctor, I guess. He tells me that “this” is too high and that “that” is too low. Actually, I have very little left anymore that is where it’s supposed to be.
He has put me on this vitamin regimen. Maybe I’m wrong, but I think that I have been overdoing it with the iron pills a bit. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t lie down without slowly spinning to the North.
Sure, I’m getting older, but it’s not all bad. I’m beginning to realize that there are a lot of benefits to becoming a Geezer.
- Senior Citizen Discounts are everywhere. I don’t mind it when they check my ID to be sure I’m old enough. Hey, when I was young I used to get carded in bars; Now, I’m getting carded at Denny’s.
- I never have to wait for a table in restaurants at dinnertime anymore. I just walk in, sit down, enjoy my meal and BAM! I am out of there by 4:30.
As a Public Service here are some ways you can tell if you might be a Geezer.
You’re a Geezer if:
You can get a haircut in less than 10 minutes.
You can remember when James Taylor had hair.
All of your favorite music is sold only on Infomercials.
You answer the question, “What time is it?” with, “It’s Howdy Doody Time!”
You have your midnight snack during “Wheel of Fortune”
You watch reruns of “Golden Girls” and think, “Mmmm, Betty White.”
The Geezer’s Prayer
Oh, Good God!
Grant us Peace. Actually, make that a little Peace and Quiet.
Protect the children from harm and let them be safe…in their own yards, for Heaven’s sake!
Help us keep holy the Sabbath, this day that You have set aside for worship, rest, and, of course, the NFL.
Guide our leaders and let them actually read the letters to the editor that we write. Grant them the sense that You would give a three-legged dog.
We ask these things in Your name. We know that you understand our travail. Keep in touch. Go Colts!
Amen.
Down the Hall on Your Left 