The Dumbest Thing I’ve Ever Done
BEING HUMAN BEINGS, such as we all are, to the best of my knowledge, we tend to, on a fairly regular basis, do dumb things.
Of course, there are different Levels of Dumbness.
Looking back to your Senior Prom and remembering how difficult it was trying to teach a sheep to slow-dance.
Making anonymous obscene phone calls to 911
At Christmas, giving your wife or Sweetheart a gift card – to the local Dollar General store.
Trying to impress your date by ordering in French – at Taco Bell.
Going into a Biker Bar and ordering an Appletini.
Going to college and majoring in Theater, with a minor in Political Science.
I did that one myself. Smart move. I still had the cap and gown on when I realized that the only things I was actually qualified to do were to either stage a coup or turn Ecuador into a musical.
But, perhaps, the dumbest thing I have ever done, aside from various interpersonal relationships with unstable, but attractive women, was the time I held hands with an 800# Gorilla.
I was dating this woman – not an 800# Gorilla, but a scientist, who was trying to teach chimpanzees and apes to communicate using American Sign Language.
She took me backstage, as it were, at the zoo to where the chimps and apes lived when the zoo was closed.
One thing I noticed immediately was that monkeys, chimps and other apes have a very poor sense of hospitality. They made it abundantly clear that they didn’t want either of us back there.
I also learned that monkeys and chimpanzees have very good aim, with whatever they want to send your way. Some things never wash out.
So, there we were, in a room with, maybe, fifty monkeys and chimps, and one 800# gorilla. The gorilla was the only one showing any class. The monkeys and chimps were screaming at the top of their little lungs. But, the gorilla just stood there – quietly watching the woman as she was signing away like mad. Suddenly, she stopped and said to me, “Oh, I forgot my notebook in my car. I’ll be right back.”
There I was, alone in this room with fifty monkeys and chimps, and one 800# gorilla. It got real quiet. They all stopped screaming. I looked around the room and I saw the monkeys and chimps signing to each other. I knew they were talking about me. The 800# gorilla was quietly regarding me. I was standing right outside his cage. He kind of moseyed up to me. We were now separated only by a row of steel bars I’m hoping were not made by the lowest bidder.
“Hi. How you doing, Mr. Gorilla?”
I didn’t know what else to say.
“You know, I think King Kong got a raw deal.”
He looked at me. Nice brown eyes. His expression said to me, “Welcome to my world.”
He seemed like a nice guy. A big guy, but a nice guy.
He was holding onto the bars and looking me up and down.
I didn’t know what to do, so, I reached out and patted his finger. A slight gesture of peace. Of course, his finger was as big as my whole hand.
Next thing I know, he takes my hand in his. This was either the first move in an unwanted inter-species romance or a sign of my imminent death.
At this moment, my lady friend reentered the room. She saw the gorilla and I holding hands and she screamed. The gorilla let go and jumped back with a look on his face that said, “Geez, lady, don’t do that. You’re gonna give me a freaking heart attack.” I don’t know why, but I pictured him being from New York.
She grabbed me and yelled that the gorilla could have ripped my arm off and beaten me to death with it. And, it would have been my good arm too.
The relationship with that gal didn’t get too far after that. She thought I was stupid and I finally realized that that wasn’t just cheap perfume I smelled on her.